Let's Talk About Coffee Some More

My coffee maker is going to go through a window because I’m so sick of it. I’ve tried cleaning it (even with some real nasty strong stuff) and my coffee still tastes weird and the whole house smells bad. That’s not right, coffee is supposed to make a house smell good, it’s one of natures alarm clocks, just smelling coffee in your sleep can make you wake up with smile (as can the smell of frying bacon).

But this Devil’s urn of a coffee pot is useless, and is going to have a violent end to it’s flawed coffee making existence. I may just “Office Space” it and take it out into the backyard and just beat it mercilessly with a wooden baseball bat. I could tie a brick to it, drive down to Belle Isle and drop it in the river as well. Regardless, it has to go. I’ve spent too many days and too many cups with my nose around the brim going “Does this smell funny?” and then taking the cup to other people and asking “Hey, does this smell funny?” I’m sure people are sick of smelling my coffee mugs, especially since the coffee inside smells bad.

For full disclosure, I should let everyone know that it is early morning as I am writing this, and I am brewing a pot before I go to work. Am I cranky? Am I grouchy? You best believe I am. Because I have tried everything to make this work right.

I’ve tried words of encouragement, sort of talking to it in a puppy dog voice like “Good Morning Coffee Maker, you’re just the prettiest, strongest coffee maker ever, yes you are! Yes you are!” I tried to destroy it‘s self esteem. “Fine, nobody ever wants your coffee, because you’re ugly.” I even tried more conventional methods…such as cleaning it.

Somebody suggested that it was the coffee I was using. So I changed coffee, NOPE, still tasted like hot boiled garbage. This mail order Gevalia coffee maker has simply shit the bed. I should’ve known because it was a complimentary gift for trying a pound of Gevalia coffee through the mail. Seriously, how much does a pound of coffee cost? It was like 9 dollars. And they’re just like “Oh, and hey, we’re gonna throw in a fully functional kitchen appliance because you spent nine dollars.” They probably have a warehouse full of these piece of crap coffee makers and they can’t give them away fast enough. I can just see two of the workers at that warehouse having a conversation. Here is that imagined dialogue, in which the workers are named Victor and Sam.

Victor: Hey, just got off the phone with someone interested in our coffee.

Sam: What did they say?

Victor: They wanted to know how much a pound of coffee was.

Sam: What did you tell them?

Victor: Nine dollars.

Sam: And?

Victor: He said no thank you.

Sam: Hmm….we should send him a coffee maker anyway.
(SCENE)

I don’t care if that company can boast that their coffee is the official coffee of the King of Sweden, their coffee makers suck big time.