Friday, January 14, 2011

Untitled Blog Post 1

When it comes to shoveling snow, I’m a minimalist. I don’t care to clear every last concrete surface and crevice. My only goal is to make a narrow walkway for the mailman, a walkway that would be on the same level as a hoarder who makes a pathway to the bathroom through stacks of boxes and junk. Lately though we’ve had a pretty good mailman, he comes early, and he does not leave notices in my mailbox saying ‘shovel your damn sidewalk’ (I’m paraphrasing).
I had a mailman once who absolutely refused to deliver our mail unless every part of my driveway, porch, and sidewalk was clear of snow, even the parts he wasn’t walking on. He shuffled his feet when he walked, and we got a notice in our mailbox at least once every three days saying we couldn’t get our mail because of the condition of our walk. Of course though, the conditions of my sidewalk did not seem to be impeding the delivery of a notice regarding the condition of my sidewalk impeding the delivery of my mail. Dizzy? So am I.

I recently received a phone call from the library informing me that I had late fees amounting to about $5. As far as library fees go, that is an awful lot. In fact, it’s so much that I take it more as a lifetime ban from the library than a fine. The library is useless anyways. Every library I’ve been in lately has bookshelves just collecting dust and the world’s longest waitlist for teenagers and creepy old guys to use the internet. They really should just get rid of the books and bring more computers in and call it a ‘Community Computer Center’.

The bathroom at work continues to get creepier every single day. One of the fluorescent light bulbs is flickering now, and every time I need to relieve myself, I feel like I’m in a prison movie or some twisted psychological thriller. I think the next step in terms of creepiness would be to walk in and see written in lip stick on the mirror ‘Hi, Jake. Can you see me?’ I refrain from using public restrooms as often as I can. On the subject of work, a customer finally caught me dancing in an aisle. I was dancing to The Fifth Dimension’s ‘Up, Up, and Away’ which plays at least once a day. What was so great about it was it didn’t even deter the man. He simply looked at me. “Where are your push brooms at?”