Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Sleep Habits Pt. 2

I’m trying to break this awful habit I have of having to sleep with the TV on. First off, it’s such a waste of electricity, especially compared to how much it takes to keep a simple nightlight going instead, and even worst compared to (gasp!) being a man and sleeping in the dark. But there’s other problems I’ve found with leaving the TV on, and it’s that it will slowly work it’s way into my dream. So, for instance, should I fall asleep and during the course of the night a scary movie comes on, there’s a good chance it could weasel it’s way into my happy little dream world and scare the begeezuss out of me.
Nobody wants to have a dream that they’re vacationing in Venice, and then suddenly everyone around you in a cafĂ© is being cut into tiny little pieces. That’s awful.
But that’s just one of many bad sleep habits I’m trying to break. Another big one is to learn to sleep in my bed. Now, don’t go rushing out and tell everyone you know that I said I don’t sleep in my own bed and have become some huge whore. What I mean is, I have a habit of staying up really late, and just falling asleep wherever I am, rather than taking the thirty seconds it takes to walk through my house to my bed. I’ve even fallen asleep on the floor right next to my bed. I fall asleep in chairs, couches, the horribly uncomfortable bed in the spare bedroom, which has springs that dig into your back and you are guaranteed to feel worst when you wake up. And it’s a shame that I do this, because my bed is amazing! It’s like somebody took a cloud and sewed it together. It’s the kind that you can’t just get into, you have to do a running start so you can dive face first into it.
But that’s assuming I go to sleep at all. I’m slowly making the realization that I am not 15 years old anymore, and that all nighters are really not as easy as they once seemed. There was a time when I stayed up for three straight days, no problem. I could barely stay up 26 hours the other week, and I didn’t even do anything, I basically sat around watching movies. When I stayed up for three days, I literally did not stop moving the whole time. Who was that bionic man impersonating me? Because I seriously cannot imagine ever being physically able to do that now.
Also, I need to stop eating food just before falling asleep. This is probably the worst habit I have. What has happened, and it’s happened more than once, I have fallen asleep while eating something, and awoke the next morning to find chocolate smeared across my face, or chips crushed all down my legs, or a snack cake smashed under my back or something. That’s never fun to wake up to.
Lately, I’ve discovered that I am becoming a sleep stripper. Now, I’ve always gone to bed fully clothed and there was even a time when I didn’t even change into pajamas, I would just pass out in my street clothes. But lately, I seem to be restless in my sleep. Furiously ripping my socks off and tossing them across the room seems to be the only part I’m conscious for and in the morning, to my surprise, I’m in my underwear and my clothes are all tossed across the room somewhere. I pick them up and I wonder how angry could I have been at my clothes to chuck them in all different directions?
Wow, rereading over all of this makes me want to go to sleep.

Well, That Was Awkward

This post is going to be about that one genetic defect that I am cursed to carry with me my entire life. Anyone who knows me, knows I have quite the record of being awkward. Just plain ol’ I need to leave the vicinity of these people right away awkwardness. It’s just something I have to deal with, I am not a graceful person. Here are a few examples of my awkwardness and lack of grace:

-If a fight ever breaks out, I’m usually just the person who is in no way, shape, or form involved in the fight, but just happens to be standing too close to the fighting parties that it turns viciously awkward for me and I desperately try to find any place where I can escape.
-Quite often I’ll find myself holding up a line at a store, and in an attempt to finish my transaction quickly, try to ram my change into my wallet like a madman whilst grabbing my bags. It is almost never a fluid movement.
-I also have on several occasions startled the mailman. I hear the mail being put in the box, and I get up to retrieve it, and once I open the door, I realize I have not allowed the mailman enough time to get off my porch, and we both look at each other….and it’s super awkward.
-I was looking up at the aisle numbers at work, and accidentally ran into an old lady

-I went on a quasi-blind date with someone who turned out to be over six feet tall. Everyone was staring at us.

-In order to get into any SUV, I have to basically scale it like a mountain.

-When I was 8, I used to do skits for my family after dinner. One of those skits, I walked into the kitchen pretending I was smoking a cigarette and proclaiming “I am a lesbian”. My memory is vague, but I believe I had heard the term used in a Julia Roberts movie and thought it sounded funny. This of course led me to learning what a lesbian was at way too young of an age.

-I fall a lot

-Most times when I’m telling a story that is full of secrets and things to only be shared with certain people, someone walks in and I have to just let the story die right there unfinished.

-I’ve locked myself out numerous times, and have had to discreetly break into my own house.

-I’ve been 17 cents short before. That’s an amount so small that people feel bad for you, but large enough that they won’t let you slide and you just have to walk away.

-I was getting ready to do a stand up routine when someone pointed out that I was wearing white socks with my suit, and that they were very noticeable.

-Back in high school theater, I got sick right before a show and had to make an emergency use of the dressing room bathroom (which had poor air circulation) and stunk up the whole backstage for the duration of the first act.

-In the fifth grade when we first signed up for band, they tried to talk me out of a trumpet because they were concerned over whether or not I could play it with ‘crooked teeth’. I cried.

-People call me ma’am on the phone way too much