Dear Doc,
You have been a supreme disappointment from the few handful of times I have had the displeasure of stepping foot in the ramshackle hut you call an office. I want to thank you though, because when I was in excruciating stomach pain (which to date still exists) you were Johnny On The Spot with your high brow textbook medical expertise when you said “You probably need to poop”. Anytime I was sitting in the exam room for an excess of twenty minutes, listening to you berate an old woman, I knew that my patience would be rewarded with the most tender, thorough, top notch healthcare that I’ve come to expect from America. Thank you for then spending just over five minutes with me after all that waiting, it’s such a breath of relief nowadays to know that there are still doctor’s out there who don’t care about you.
My last visit, when I mentioned how tired I had been lately (something you told me before would be happening) you said ‘you might have mono’, which you had already diagnosed me with not a year prior and I can only assume was written in my chart somewhere (maybe it was misplaced under hobbies instead of infectious diseases, mistakes do happen), which you failed to read obviously. After all the bungling your office has done with me, and to date having not cured one ailment I have visited you for, I was delighted to receive your letter regarding my outstanding balance of $34.83 and stating “We recommend that you find another physician for yourself and your families’ medical care”. I always love receiving personal (and cordial) correspondence.
Enclosed with this letter is a check for 34.83. Please note that it is not being sent out of a desperate attempt to retain you as my doctor. Just as you urged me to find a new physician, I am urging you to find a new patient, for you have become an annoying gnat on my backside, and this check is simply my attempt to swat you off. Might I make a few suggestion as what to do with this staggering jackpot you have just received from me? Perhaps dinner for one at Applebee’s? A newly released DVD? Or gas for you vehicle for three days. The sky’s the limit with my thirty dollar check!!! All I ask in return for this payment is that you never contact me again.
Signed,
Jake Allport
Ex-Patient
