I was out walking today, hitting up a few garage sales. First off, garage sales this summer are really crappy. It seems as if people are just emptying their garbage cans out on card tables and slapping price stickers on them. Absolutely nothing worth buying, just stuff like old chipped coffee mugs that seem to still have a coffee film inside from the last time it was used, or Betamax tapes.
But the real story of today is about a particular lady that I ran into randomly while walking. From afar, I could tell that she was holding something in each hand, but I could not tell what it was. Then she waved at me, and I started squinting my eyes, wondering if I was supposed to know who this person was. Upon getting closer to her, I did not recognize her and instantly labeled her a crazy person. Upon getting even more close, I realized she was holding a cucumber in each hand. Yes, cucumbers. As I’m about to pass her, she stops me.
“Young man, would you like a cucumber to take home?” She asked.
“No, thank you.” I said.
“They’re giving away free cucumbers at the corner of the street. You should get some.” She tells me, and then goes on her way. I keep walking, and briefly put what she just said out of my head. But suddenly I’m at the corner of the street and I’m realizing something. There is nobody giving away free cucumbers on this corner. I ended up proposing two theories. One was that woman was completely insane and probably just stole two cucumbers out of somebody’s backyard believing it to be ‘a free cucumber stand’ rather than a garden. Or there actually was a free cucumber stand, but in the three minutes between the bizarre cucumber lady talking and me arriving at the corner, they ran out and quickly disassembled their makeshift stand (which I could only assume was a plywood and particle board junk heap much like a young child’s lemonade stand). I was more inclined to go with the first one. I began to imagine some elderly couple who was frightened, hiding in their house behind the blinds after being harassed by some crazy lady who just ransacked their garden.
I almost wanted to double back and find this lady and interrogate her.
“Where is this fictitious free cucumber stand you speak of? Not that I want any, but I just have to know, where the hell did you get those vegetables? You got them somewhere!” But by that time she was long gone. And so ends the brief yet weird story of the cucumber lady.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thoughts From Walking
Everyone knows I love to take my walks. After three years of taking almost daily walks, I have just a few things to share.
-If you are walking your dog and it comes sniffing/drooling/barking/growling/bearing teeth or just getting too close to me, don’t say “Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you’ How do you know? Siegfried and Roy couldn’t keep their tiger from ripping a face off, and they’re professionals. Why should I trust you complete stranger?
-I’m going to start putting razor blades on the bottom of my walking shoes so I can slice the garden hoses of inconsiderate people who let their sprinkler just completely drench the sidewalk.
-Fat guys love to do their lawn work without a shirt on. The rest of the world does not like this.
-I’m pretty sure 84% of Ice Cream Truck Drivers have a felony arrest record.
-When I see two neighbors who have signs for competing political candidates, I always like to imagine them arguing to the point of the cops being called.
-You can always tell which houses are selling drugs….always.
-If it’s getting towards dark and you have to go through the park, put on your ‘Maybe that’s a cell phone in my pocket…maybe it’s a gun’ face.
-The kid to parent ratio that I see while walking?? 30 Billion to Zero.
-UPS Drivers always wave to me. FedEx driver’s do not. Therefore, FedEx driver’s must be total assholes.
-It makes my stomach hurt when I walk past each house and can point out every item that was purchased at an Aco Hardware.
-Even after all the garbage cans have been collected on garbage day, the neighborhood still smells like blood and fish carcasses. Disgusting.
-If you honk your horn at me, odds are I will flip you off.
-There are a lot of people out there who have that ‘If given the chance would properly murder another human’ look to them.
-Middle aged women in South Warren love Looney Tunes shirts/leather jackets
-Everyone has that compulsion to run over and just kick a For Sale sign.
-There is nothing more sinister than a coin operated car wash.
-When I see kids get off the school bus, and then into their parents car, which takes them to the house, I just know they’re gonna end up fat.
-You just don’t see roller skates anymore
-When I see a basketball game in the street, there’s always one person texting. Put the phone down, be a part of the team buddy. I mean, they’re just asking for the ball to smack them right in the face.
-I see Swanson’s trucks almost daily. I don’t know a single person who get’s Swanson’s delivered though.
-You’d be surprised how many people look up at the sky when they hear airplanes. It just never gets old I guess.
-When I pass someone and say hello and they don’t say hello back, I want to punch them hard in their lower back as they walk away.
-Most of the handwriting I see in sidewalk chalk seems suspiciously too good to be a child’s.
-Why do pairs of flip flops keep ending up on the side of the road? Seriously, I see this all the time. How can you leave the house with shoes on, come back bare foot and not notice?
-My biggest mailbox fear? That if I open it, lots of wasps will come flying out.
-I saw a ‘hefty’ couple walking recently. I smiled and remarked to myself that it was nice that they were being active together. As I passed them, I saw they were carrying a pizza.
-I once saw a woman rush out of a house to her car in her underwear to grab a duffel bag. Completely redefined ‘Walk Of Shame’ for me.
-Please don’t stand on the front porch and yell at your ex-husband on the phone.
I could go on and on, but I think I’ll stop right here. I’ll have to do a part two about walking real soon.
-If you are walking your dog and it comes sniffing/drooling/barking/growling/bearing teeth or just getting too close to me, don’t say “Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you’ How do you know? Siegfried and Roy couldn’t keep their tiger from ripping a face off, and they’re professionals. Why should I trust you complete stranger?
-I’m going to start putting razor blades on the bottom of my walking shoes so I can slice the garden hoses of inconsiderate people who let their sprinkler just completely drench the sidewalk.
-Fat guys love to do their lawn work without a shirt on. The rest of the world does not like this.
-I’m pretty sure 84% of Ice Cream Truck Drivers have a felony arrest record.
-When I see two neighbors who have signs for competing political candidates, I always like to imagine them arguing to the point of the cops being called.
-You can always tell which houses are selling drugs….always.
-If it’s getting towards dark and you have to go through the park, put on your ‘Maybe that’s a cell phone in my pocket…maybe it’s a gun’ face.
-The kid to parent ratio that I see while walking?? 30 Billion to Zero.
-UPS Drivers always wave to me. FedEx driver’s do not. Therefore, FedEx driver’s must be total assholes.
-It makes my stomach hurt when I walk past each house and can point out every item that was purchased at an Aco Hardware.
-Even after all the garbage cans have been collected on garbage day, the neighborhood still smells like blood and fish carcasses. Disgusting.
-If you honk your horn at me, odds are I will flip you off.
-There are a lot of people out there who have that ‘If given the chance would properly murder another human’ look to them.
-Middle aged women in South Warren love Looney Tunes shirts/leather jackets
-Everyone has that compulsion to run over and just kick a For Sale sign.
-There is nothing more sinister than a coin operated car wash.
-When I see kids get off the school bus, and then into their parents car, which takes them to the house, I just know they’re gonna end up fat.
-You just don’t see roller skates anymore
-When I see a basketball game in the street, there’s always one person texting. Put the phone down, be a part of the team buddy. I mean, they’re just asking for the ball to smack them right in the face.
-I see Swanson’s trucks almost daily. I don’t know a single person who get’s Swanson’s delivered though.
-You’d be surprised how many people look up at the sky when they hear airplanes. It just never gets old I guess.
-When I pass someone and say hello and they don’t say hello back, I want to punch them hard in their lower back as they walk away.
-Most of the handwriting I see in sidewalk chalk seems suspiciously too good to be a child’s.
-Why do pairs of flip flops keep ending up on the side of the road? Seriously, I see this all the time. How can you leave the house with shoes on, come back bare foot and not notice?
-My biggest mailbox fear? That if I open it, lots of wasps will come flying out.
-I saw a ‘hefty’ couple walking recently. I smiled and remarked to myself that it was nice that they were being active together. As I passed them, I saw they were carrying a pizza.
-I once saw a woman rush out of a house to her car in her underwear to grab a duffel bag. Completely redefined ‘Walk Of Shame’ for me.
-Please don’t stand on the front porch and yell at your ex-husband on the phone.
I could go on and on, but I think I’ll stop right here. I’ll have to do a part two about walking real soon.
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