Thoughts From Walking

Everyone knows I love to take my walks. After three years of taking almost daily walks, I have just a few things to share.

-If you are walking your dog and it comes sniffing/drooling/barking/growling/bearing teeth or just getting too close to me, don’t say “Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you’ How do you know? Siegfried and Roy couldn’t keep their tiger from ripping a face off, and they’re professionals. Why should I trust you complete stranger?

-I’m going to start putting razor blades on the bottom of my walking shoes so I can slice the garden hoses of inconsiderate people who let their sprinkler just completely drench the sidewalk.

-Fat guys love to do their lawn work without a shirt on. The rest of the world does not like this.

-I’m pretty sure 84% of Ice Cream Truck Drivers have a felony arrest record.

-When I see two neighbors who have signs for competing political candidates, I always like to imagine them arguing to the point of the cops being called.

-You can always tell which houses are selling drugs….always.

-If it’s getting towards dark and you have to go through the park, put on your ‘Maybe that’s a cell phone in my pocket…maybe it’s a gun’ face.

-The kid to parent ratio that I see while walking?? 30 Billion to Zero.

-UPS Drivers always wave to me. FedEx driver’s do not. Therefore, FedEx driver’s must be total assholes.

-It makes my stomach hurt when I walk past each house and can point out every item that was purchased at an Aco Hardware.

-Even after all the garbage cans have been collected on garbage day, the neighborhood still smells like blood and fish carcasses. Disgusting.

-If you honk your horn at me, odds are I will flip you off.

-There are a lot of people out there who have that ‘If given the chance would properly murder another human’ look to them.

-Middle aged women in South Warren love Looney Tunes shirts/leather jackets

-Everyone has that compulsion to run over and just kick a For Sale sign.

-There is nothing more sinister than a coin operated car wash.

-When I see kids get off the school bus, and then into their parents car, which takes them to the house, I just know they’re gonna end up fat.

-You just don’t see roller skates anymore

-When I see a basketball game in the street, there’s always one person texting. Put the phone down, be a part of the team buddy. I mean, they’re just asking for the ball to smack them right in the face.

-I see Swanson’s trucks almost daily. I don’t know a single person who get’s Swanson’s delivered though.

-You’d be surprised how many people look up at the sky when they hear airplanes. It just never gets old I guess.

-When I pass someone and say hello and they don’t say hello back, I want to punch them hard in their lower back as they walk away.

-Most of the handwriting I see in sidewalk chalk seems suspiciously too good to be a child’s.

-Why do pairs of flip flops keep ending up on the side of the road? Seriously, I see this all the time. How can you leave the house with shoes on, come back bare foot and not notice?

-My biggest mailbox fear? That if I open it, lots of wasps will come flying out.

-I saw a ‘hefty’ couple walking recently. I smiled and remarked to myself that it was nice that they were being active together. As I passed them, I saw they were carrying a pizza.

-I once saw a woman rush out of a house to her car in her underwear to grab a duffel bag. Completely redefined ‘Walk Of Shame’ for me.

-Please don’t stand on the front porch and yell at your ex-husband on the phone.

I could go on and on, but I think I’ll stop right here. I’ll have to do a part two about walking real soon.