This post is going to be about that one genetic defect that I am cursed to carry with me my entire life. Anyone who knows me, knows I have quite the record of being awkward. Just plain ol’ I need to leave the vicinity of these people right away awkwardness. It’s just something I have to deal with, I am not a graceful person. Here are a few examples of my awkwardness and lack of grace:
-If a fight ever breaks out, I’m usually just the person who is in no way, shape, or form involved in the fight, but just happens to be standing too close to the fighting parties that it turns viciously awkward for me and I desperately try to find any place where I can escape.
-Quite often I’ll find myself holding up a line at a store, and in an attempt to finish my transaction quickly, try to ram my change into my wallet like a madman whilst grabbing my bags. It is almost never a fluid movement.
-I also have on several occasions startled the mailman. I hear the mail being put in the box, and I get up to retrieve it, and once I open the door, I realize I have not allowed the mailman enough time to get off my porch, and we both look at each other….and it’s super awkward.
-I was looking up at the aisle numbers at work, and accidentally ran into an old lady
-I went on a quasi-blind date with someone who turned out to be over six feet tall. Everyone was staring at us.
-In order to get into any SUV, I have to basically scale it like a mountain.
-When I was 8, I used to do skits for my family after dinner. One of those skits, I walked into the kitchen pretending I was smoking a cigarette and proclaiming “I am a lesbian”. My memory is vague, but I believe I had heard the term used in a Julia Roberts movie and thought it sounded funny. This of course led me to learning what a lesbian was at way too young of an age.
-I fall a lot
-Most times when I’m telling a story that is full of secrets and things to only be shared with certain people, someone walks in and I have to just let the story die right there unfinished.
-I’ve locked myself out numerous times, and have had to discreetly break into my own house.
-I’ve been 17 cents short before. That’s an amount so small that people feel bad for you, but large enough that they won’t let you slide and you just have to walk away.
-I was getting ready to do a stand up routine when someone pointed out that I was wearing white socks with my suit, and that they were very noticeable.
-Back in high school theater, I got sick right before a show and had to make an emergency use of the dressing room bathroom (which had poor air circulation) and stunk up the whole backstage for the duration of the first act.
-In the fifth grade when we first signed up for band, they tried to talk me out of a trumpet because they were concerned over whether or not I could play it with ‘crooked teeth’. I cried.
-People call me ma’am on the phone way too much
No comments:
Post a Comment