I have all the conventional wisdom figured out that I want to share with my children when they are growing up. Things like work hard, be nice to other nice people, etc. But there are some unorthodox lessons and advice I wish to bestow on my children as well. Here are just a few:
-Try real hard not to be a hoe.
-Don’t hide things under your mattress. I will be checking there first.
- You are probably smarter than your teacher and yes they are probably just jealous.
- Public urination is ok in the wilderness only.
-Don’t write curse words on the sidewalk with chalk
- Running the water while I’m in the shower will make me angry.
-I may yell at you in front of the principal at school, but if you can be fake sorry as good as I am fake angry, then we’ll go get ice cream afterwards.
- Get into at least one fight before you’re eighteen. I’d hate to send you to college without a single fight under your belt.
- Don’t light things on fire in the house….go outside.
-Don’t bring dirty, stinky kids home from the park as your ‘new friend’.
-That friend’s house you always hang at and tell me their parents are always home? I know you are lying.
-Just because I do it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
-Don’t invite me to career day. Odds are the job I’ll have I wouldn’t wish on any eight year old.
-I don’t care if you tell me you did your homework but really just wrote all the problems down instead. As long as you have something to turn in, I’ll be fine.
-The minute you stop calling me dad and start calling me Jake, shit is going to get real ugly.
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