Note: To my irony deficient (or socially anemic) readers, please use good judgment and recognize hyperbole and sarcasm when it is used.
Though I always try to remain optimistic and positive, there is no denying that I am wired to be cynical. It’s part of the “Sarcasm Package” I signed up for when I was in my mother’s womb. “Excellent Mr. Allport, you have selected our sarcasm package, and for a limited time only, our Bonus Gold Plus Fetus Members get cynicism free of charge, contact the uterus for details”
Behind the smile and laughter is a person highly cynical of the world around him. For instance, I firmly believe that most people in this world are not destined for greatness. This world loves to try and “motivate” everyone into believing that they can do anything they want to. Well, they can’t. For instance, I can never be a professional cage fighter just like most professional cage fighters will never be able to read at a 7th grade level (and thus miss out on The Outsiders, which is unfortunate)
I heard a slogan in a documentary I watched on Netflix, because suddenly that seems to be all life is worth anymore is instant documentaries on Netlfix. And the man said “You’re not so fucking terrific.” And I must agree.
Most of my friends (especially The Ladyfriends) are all planning their dream weddings in their heads. Wait, I should take a step back for a second and explain The Ladyfriends. ‘The Ladyfriends’ is my substitute word for females who enjoy hanging out with homosexual men, and I find it to be a much classier and less offensive title than the current popular nomenclature, fag hag. When I think of Fag Hag, I think of witches, and the last thing I need is witches associated with me, talk about more ammo for the radical right. “Jake Allport wants to pervert your son and cast black magic on your daughter!!!!”
But anyways, they have their dream weddings all mapped out. They have everything picked out and know every detail that it will take to make it the most special day of their life. I have never thought about my wedding for a single second on my life. It’s never occurred to me to actually have a plan to get married. But I have planned my funeral, which is beyond screwed up. I have given massive amounts of attention to how I want to leave this Earth. I’ve picked songs, certain stories or poems to be read, I even keep a shortlist of sayings I would like on my tombstone (The current winning one is ‘Well, that was awkward’). The heavily engrained cynic in me is what causes it, with just a dash of pragmatism. To plan my wedding would be to believe that humans are good enough that someone worth marrying would come along. And though it would be nice to feel like there’s a guarantee to find the perfect person, I always remember how many stupid ugly people I know, and that’s enough to make me doubt. Why plan something that is uncertain? There’s no guarantee I’ll get married, but it’s certain that I am going to die. Doesn’t that make you feel good and secure, knowing that if everything else falls through, you can rely on dying one day? I could plan out a whole wedding, never get married and then all that time would be wasted. Planning your own funeral though, it’s guaranteed to happen. I’m the kind of guy who only wagers on sure bets.
And there are going to be games! Oh yes, there is going to be a ring toss at my funeral, and the winners get to be pallbearers, yay! I plan on having a closed casket, and halfway through, someone will have to open it up to reveal that I’m not in the casket at all, but rather it’s full of candy and all the kids can come up and grab as much as they can. You are probably wondering what the purpose of doing something psychotic like that is. I’ll tell you, funerals are long, especially for children who have no idea what’s going on, so I thought it would be nice to throw the kids a bone and basically say “You’ve sat through all the boring sad stuff, now here’s your candy”
I want to send out invitations, much like a wedding, only instead of it saying “Guess Who’s Getting Married?” they’ll say “Guess Who’s Recently Deceased? Save The Date”. The food will have to be excellent, lots of cakes and lots of jambalaya. If you don’t like either of those, I really don’t care, it’s my funeral.
Nobody will be allowed to wear black either (except for me because it’s looks good on me), it’ll be casual attire mandatory. There will be a door prize for the best ‘Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts’. If you so choose, I will enjoy it if you wear a straw hat.
There will be lots of prizes scattered throughout the entire event, because I’m a hoarder and after I’m gone there has to be some kind of system of getting rid of all my shit, and what better way than to force it on people through uncomfortable games they have to play at my funeral?
For all my straight guy friends, I’m aware that my funeral will probably be coinciding with some major sporting event. I will leave strict instructions to have a TV in the funeral home basement where you can go and watch the game. Don’t worry, I won’t mind.
But if we could back up for a second and talk about the selection of music I will have. It is going to be unorthodox, and most songs will be picked not for their beauty or profound lyrics, but on the degree of irony that playing them at a funeral will be. For instance, should I die an old man, Billy Joel’s ‘Only The Good Die Young’ will be playing. Well actually, if I die young I still want that song. Ok, scratch that, regardless of what age I die, Billy Joel’s ‘Only The Good Die Young’ will be playing. I also want David Bowie’s ‘Fame’ to play as well, and I highly encourage everyone to dance.
Also, bring your friends, the more the merrier.
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