A Thanksgiving Cast Of Characters

It takes a large array of different people to make Thanksgiving what it is today. People who seemingly walked right off a TV show or out of the pages of book all gather together for a giant meal. Today, I thought maybe I would sit down and write about each character and their important role in shaping Thanksgiving.

The Hardened Veteran : Usually a woman, almost always a mother with grown kids who is quickly about to turn 50 years old. They’ve spent the last 25 years cooking for everyone, and they have made the decision to adamantly refuse to cook. They prefer to let Boston Market handle the holidays from now on.

The Stranded: People who suddenly seem to have no family whatsoever on Thanksgiving, and you begrudgingly make the half assed offer for them to spend Thanksgiving with you, and are shocked as hell when they accept and show up.

Housies: People who have recently purchased a home, and in their excitement invite everyone over for Thanksgiving. This is much to the Hardened Veterans delight.

The "New Family" Girl: This is always some guy’s ‘latest’ girlfriend who he drags to all of his family events and tries to force everyone to meld together.

The "New Family" Guy: The main difference from The New Family Girl is that The New Family Guy does not force people to be with his family, rather to the contrary, he flees his family and spends the holidays with his spouse’s family. Though he’ll never admit it, he’s desperately shopping for a better family.

Uncle Boozy: If it’s a Thanksgiving with the extended family, then Uncle Boozy will be there. While everyone is seated at the table saying grace, he’s having a few beers in the garage in front of a propane heater.

Aunt Boozy: To put it simply, the more she drinks the more rude things she says about children.

The Old People: They usually sit quietly, but if you get too close, they’ll trap you with their three hour stories and various complaints about their latest water bill.

The Goofy Pervert Neighbor: They don’t stay long, but they make sure to awkwardly hug your recently developed niece and maybe try and sneak her a beer out in the garage (granted Uncle Boozy has passed out). Every room he’s in smells just 10% worst than before.

Loud Children: (3-7) They’re very loud. They’ll destroy your house. They’ll get hurt on your staircase from running up and down it. They are so frickin’ adorable.

Loud Children: (8-18) You wish they were the ones who would get hurt on the staircase.

The Bitch: There are no requirements for this character other than being a woman and a total and complete bitch.

The Asshole: Same as above, only in male form.

You Must Give Me The Recipe: They ask for the recipe to every meal they have ever had in someone else’s house. They never get the recipe, but even if they did, they probably wouldn’t make it.

Angry Teenager: They spend most holidays thinking of far fetched schemes to leave and go hang with their friends. The most used phrase of this particular character? ‘I hate you.’ When you are an angry teen, you’d much rather be in a dingy basement with a wide assortment of drugs and freaky people who use you rather than having a wholesome meal with a family that loves you. I mean, what can’t they understand about that!!??

“Oh, great! Karen’s here!”: This particular relative seems to have a problem with everyone and openly shares all of his/her bad history with the family with everyone else, including complete strangers. Usually says “Oh great!!!______ is here” anytime someone walks through the door. Don’t worry though, they won’t stay long, they’ll start a fight and leave about halfway through the night. The rest of the night can be devoted to talking about what an asshole/bitch they are. (This person is almost always the Bitch or the Asshole)

Father: He’s unusually quiet on this holiday. Has a look on his face that he is consumed with the desire to go to bed, because he probably has to get up at 3:45 to go to work. He doesn’t laugh at your stories as much as the rest of the family.

Authoritative Father: What separates him from the standard father is that at some point during the night he will say “We are going to sit here and have a nice family dinner, damnit!” Outside of that, he’s pretty much the same as Father.