Probably at the top of the list of things I wished never happened in my life would be knocking that old woman down at my work. True story, I was walking, staring upwards, not watching where I was going, and I knocked an elderly woman over. And she was one of the nicest old ladies who shops in my store, her and her husband both. And ever since it’s happened, only the husband comes by to shop anymore, and I avoid him because he always recognizes me as ‘the guy who knocked my wife over’.
My life is full of those moments where you look back, cringe and kinda go “Wow…I’m kind of a tool.” Ehh, it happens. For instance, I hate text messages. I can’t stand not being able to discern sarcasm at times, and only realizing after it’s too late and I’ve sent a pissed off response. And when it comes to sending pissed off responses, I usually write things that are unforgivable like “I can see why nobody likes you” or “Well, everyone thinks you’re a fag, so take that.” or “You are most likely going to die alone”, that last one is always a favorite. And then I get back "I was joking :(" and then another friendship is ruined forever. I’m also bad for sending the ol’ ‘Why are you ignoring me? Is something wrong?’ text and receiving back later ‘I was sleeping’ I feel like an ass when that happens.
Another thing that looking back on that makes me cringe is dating really tall guys. Now, I have to admit that I do indeed prefer a taller gentleman, but when they are ridiculously tall and we go out in public together, they look like predators who have separated me from my parents, and it feels super awkward. I mean c’mon, I’m thinking it and so is everyone else, I can see it in their concerned glances. “I’m ok, I’m just on a super awkward date, but thanks for your concern.”
Every yearbook picture up until the 10th grade makes me wanna cry.
I gave a rousing motivational speech to my boss at work one time, all about how life just get’s better and better. When I finished, I was reminded that I had to mop up some urine off the floor, and realized that everything I had just said was bullshit.
A young girl on roller blades being pulled by her dog fell on the sidewalk in front of my house the other day. I just stood there. I honestly did not know what to do. When she got up, I said “Have a nice day” and walked back up my driveway. Why did I say that?
I keep telling customers to “Have a good night” during the morning shift. I tell them “Sorry, I’m used to working at night.” But that’s a lie. I work just as many mornings as I do nights. I don’t know why I keep saying it.
I noticed that I say the word buh-bye on the phone in a very condescending (and feminine) voice.
I was winning at a board game that I was playing with my family. My mom said “The only people who enjoy this game have no life, don’t party, and probably have never had sex.” It’s my board game, and I was really excited to have enough people to play it.
This isn’t so much awkward for me as it is for Matt Dillard. Before I came out of the closet, my mom used to call Dillard ‘my boyfriend’ because we spent so much time together. Now that I’m out, my mom feels like a damn idiot every time she see’s him and feels the need to apologize profusely.
Sometimes I write a comment on somebody’s Facebook, but decide to erase it, but accidentally hit the enter key and there’s no going back from that. I think about deleting it instantly, but that would be even worst, wouldn’t it?
Sometimes I sing really really loud while I’m at home by myself. Really obnoxious singing. One time it turned out I wasn’t really home alone, and my mom got to hear a great mash up of Billy Joel and Barry Manilow.
The fact that I just admitted to you that I occasionally sing Manilow is making me feel pretty awkward. I'm gonna go now.
