I have all the conventional wisdom figured out that I want to share with my children when they are growing up. Things like work hard, be nice to other nice people, etc. But there are some unorthodox lessons and advice I wish to bestow on my children as well. Here are just a few:
-Try real hard not to be a hoe.
-Don’t hide things under your mattress. I will be checking there first.
- You are probably smarter than your teacher and yes they are probably just jealous.
- Public urination is ok in the wilderness only.
-Don’t write curse words on the sidewalk with chalk
- Running the water while I’m in the shower will make me angry.
-I may yell at you in front of the principal at school, but if you can be fake sorry as good as I am fake angry, then we’ll go get ice cream afterwards.
- Get into at least one fight before you’re eighteen. I’d hate to send you to college without a single fight under your belt.
- Don’t light things on fire in the house….go outside.
-Don’t bring dirty, stinky kids home from the park as your ‘new friend’.
-That friend’s house you always hang at and tell me their parents are always home? I know you are lying.
-Just because I do it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
-Don’t invite me to career day. Odds are the job I’ll have I wouldn’t wish on any eight year old.
-I don’t care if you tell me you did your homework but really just wrote all the problems down instead. As long as you have something to turn in, I’ll be fine.
-The minute you stop calling me dad and start calling me Jake, shit is going to get real ugly.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Obnoxious Displays Of Emotion In A Rainstorm
Sure, maybe standing out in the pouring rain with a broken heart looks good in a movie, but it does not fly in Warren, Michigan. I have new neighbors (when am I not getting new neighbors?) across the street from me. How can I describe them? I don’t want to sound mean or anything, so I’ll try and think of words that aren’t too harsh. ‘Sophistication deficient’ Is probably the nicest thing I can say about them. First and foremost, shopping carts from my work have been disappearing. A curious glance across the street revealed that at least two of those shopping carts are sitting in my neighbors backyard…. Bastards.
And there is a girl. A loud girl. A loud, obnoxious girl who stands in the driveway and yells on the phone. Classy. There are piles of garbage just laying in the driveway, including what appears to be a large yet broken bowling trophy.
Yesterday afternoon though, I hear this new neighbor of mine standing at the entrance to the park, shouting at someone. She uses terrible slang, and it sounds like she’s talking underwater, and all I could decipher was “jklasnflaksnvlkanfbkjahgadg;ahdsfjads TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!!! asdf;ja;lkngaqwjbnakjsv nafg” Whatever that means.
Later that night (like around 11) she get’s into an argument with a guy on a bicycle. You know that old cookie cutter trashy argument “You let them nasty hoes into your house. You let them skanks meet your family. Blah blah blah” and then he says “You’re a crazy bitch etc. etc. etc.” and then she starts crying at the top of her lungs in the middle of the rain last night. She accuses him of being unfaithful, he accuses her of breaking his Xbox, and so it went back and forth.
Anyone who grew up in my neighborhood knows that it isn’t the nicest or classiest place around, but one thing will always remain, you cannot have obnoxious displays of emotion out in the street. The cops will roll up on you. And sure enough they did. And then the shrieking crying ceased, and I was able to go to sleep. But I began to wonder, at what point does a human think it’s a good idea to just air out all their business in the street? Screaming at the top of their lungs in the pouring rain? This isn’t the Shawshank Redemption, go inside.
And there is a girl. A loud girl. A loud, obnoxious girl who stands in the driveway and yells on the phone. Classy. There are piles of garbage just laying in the driveway, including what appears to be a large yet broken bowling trophy.
Yesterday afternoon though, I hear this new neighbor of mine standing at the entrance to the park, shouting at someone. She uses terrible slang, and it sounds like she’s talking underwater, and all I could decipher was “jklasnflaksnvlkanfbkjahgadg;ahdsfjads TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!!! asdf;ja;lkngaqwjbnakjsv nafg” Whatever that means.
Later that night (like around 11) she get’s into an argument with a guy on a bicycle. You know that old cookie cutter trashy argument “You let them nasty hoes into your house. You let them skanks meet your family. Blah blah blah” and then he says “You’re a crazy bitch etc. etc. etc.” and then she starts crying at the top of her lungs in the middle of the rain last night. She accuses him of being unfaithful, he accuses her of breaking his Xbox, and so it went back and forth.
Anyone who grew up in my neighborhood knows that it isn’t the nicest or classiest place around, but one thing will always remain, you cannot have obnoxious displays of emotion out in the street. The cops will roll up on you. And sure enough they did. And then the shrieking crying ceased, and I was able to go to sleep. But I began to wonder, at what point does a human think it’s a good idea to just air out all their business in the street? Screaming at the top of their lungs in the pouring rain? This isn’t the Shawshank Redemption, go inside.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
A Fictitious Free-Cucumber Stand
I was out walking today, hitting up a few garage sales. First off, garage sales this summer are really crappy. It seems as if people are just emptying their garbage cans out on card tables and slapping price stickers on them. Absolutely nothing worth buying, just stuff like old chipped coffee mugs that seem to still have a coffee film inside from the last time it was used, or Betamax tapes.
But the real story of today is about a particular lady that I ran into randomly while walking. From afar, I could tell that she was holding something in each hand, but I could not tell what it was. Then she waved at me, and I started squinting my eyes, wondering if I was supposed to know who this person was. Upon getting closer to her, I did not recognize her and instantly labeled her a crazy person. Upon getting even more close, I realized she was holding a cucumber in each hand. Yes, cucumbers. As I’m about to pass her, she stops me.
“Young man, would you like a cucumber to take home?” She asked.
“No, thank you.” I said.
“They’re giving away free cucumbers at the corner of the street. You should get some.” She tells me, and then goes on her way. I keep walking, and briefly put what she just said out of my head. But suddenly I’m at the corner of the street and I’m realizing something. There is nobody giving away free cucumbers on this corner. I ended up proposing two theories. One was that woman was completely insane and probably just stole two cucumbers out of somebody’s backyard believing it to be ‘a free cucumber stand’ rather than a garden. Or there actually was a free cucumber stand, but in the three minutes between the bizarre cucumber lady talking and me arriving at the corner, they ran out and quickly disassembled their makeshift stand (which I could only assume was a plywood and particle board junk heap much like a young child’s lemonade stand). I was more inclined to go with the first one. I began to imagine some elderly couple who was frightened, hiding in their house behind the blinds after being harassed by some crazy lady who just ransacked their garden.
I almost wanted to double back and find this lady and interrogate her.
“Where is this fictitious free cucumber stand you speak of? Not that I want any, but I just have to know, where the hell did you get those vegetables? You got them somewhere!” But by that time she was long gone. And so ends the brief yet weird story of the cucumber lady.
But the real story of today is about a particular lady that I ran into randomly while walking. From afar, I could tell that she was holding something in each hand, but I could not tell what it was. Then she waved at me, and I started squinting my eyes, wondering if I was supposed to know who this person was. Upon getting closer to her, I did not recognize her and instantly labeled her a crazy person. Upon getting even more close, I realized she was holding a cucumber in each hand. Yes, cucumbers. As I’m about to pass her, she stops me.
“Young man, would you like a cucumber to take home?” She asked.
“No, thank you.” I said.
“They’re giving away free cucumbers at the corner of the street. You should get some.” She tells me, and then goes on her way. I keep walking, and briefly put what she just said out of my head. But suddenly I’m at the corner of the street and I’m realizing something. There is nobody giving away free cucumbers on this corner. I ended up proposing two theories. One was that woman was completely insane and probably just stole two cucumbers out of somebody’s backyard believing it to be ‘a free cucumber stand’ rather than a garden. Or there actually was a free cucumber stand, but in the three minutes between the bizarre cucumber lady talking and me arriving at the corner, they ran out and quickly disassembled their makeshift stand (which I could only assume was a plywood and particle board junk heap much like a young child’s lemonade stand). I was more inclined to go with the first one. I began to imagine some elderly couple who was frightened, hiding in their house behind the blinds after being harassed by some crazy lady who just ransacked their garden.
I almost wanted to double back and find this lady and interrogate her.
“Where is this fictitious free cucumber stand you speak of? Not that I want any, but I just have to know, where the hell did you get those vegetables? You got them somewhere!” But by that time she was long gone. And so ends the brief yet weird story of the cucumber lady.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thoughts From Walking
Everyone knows I love to take my walks. After three years of taking almost daily walks, I have just a few things to share.
-If you are walking your dog and it comes sniffing/drooling/barking/growling/bearing teeth or just getting too close to me, don’t say “Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you’ How do you know? Siegfried and Roy couldn’t keep their tiger from ripping a face off, and they’re professionals. Why should I trust you complete stranger?
-I’m going to start putting razor blades on the bottom of my walking shoes so I can slice the garden hoses of inconsiderate people who let their sprinkler just completely drench the sidewalk.
-Fat guys love to do their lawn work without a shirt on. The rest of the world does not like this.
-I’m pretty sure 84% of Ice Cream Truck Drivers have a felony arrest record.
-When I see two neighbors who have signs for competing political candidates, I always like to imagine them arguing to the point of the cops being called.
-You can always tell which houses are selling drugs….always.
-If it’s getting towards dark and you have to go through the park, put on your ‘Maybe that’s a cell phone in my pocket…maybe it’s a gun’ face.
-The kid to parent ratio that I see while walking?? 30 Billion to Zero.
-UPS Drivers always wave to me. FedEx driver’s do not. Therefore, FedEx driver’s must be total assholes.
-It makes my stomach hurt when I walk past each house and can point out every item that was purchased at an Aco Hardware.
-Even after all the garbage cans have been collected on garbage day, the neighborhood still smells like blood and fish carcasses. Disgusting.
-If you honk your horn at me, odds are I will flip you off.
-There are a lot of people out there who have that ‘If given the chance would properly murder another human’ look to them.
-Middle aged women in South Warren love Looney Tunes shirts/leather jackets
-Everyone has that compulsion to run over and just kick a For Sale sign.
-There is nothing more sinister than a coin operated car wash.
-When I see kids get off the school bus, and then into their parents car, which takes them to the house, I just know they’re gonna end up fat.
-You just don’t see roller skates anymore
-When I see a basketball game in the street, there’s always one person texting. Put the phone down, be a part of the team buddy. I mean, they’re just asking for the ball to smack them right in the face.
-I see Swanson’s trucks almost daily. I don’t know a single person who get’s Swanson’s delivered though.
-You’d be surprised how many people look up at the sky when they hear airplanes. It just never gets old I guess.
-When I pass someone and say hello and they don’t say hello back, I want to punch them hard in their lower back as they walk away.
-Most of the handwriting I see in sidewalk chalk seems suspiciously too good to be a child’s.
-Why do pairs of flip flops keep ending up on the side of the road? Seriously, I see this all the time. How can you leave the house with shoes on, come back bare foot and not notice?
-My biggest mailbox fear? That if I open it, lots of wasps will come flying out.
-I saw a ‘hefty’ couple walking recently. I smiled and remarked to myself that it was nice that they were being active together. As I passed them, I saw they were carrying a pizza.
-I once saw a woman rush out of a house to her car in her underwear to grab a duffel bag. Completely redefined ‘Walk Of Shame’ for me.
-Please don’t stand on the front porch and yell at your ex-husband on the phone.
I could go on and on, but I think I’ll stop right here. I’ll have to do a part two about walking real soon.
-If you are walking your dog and it comes sniffing/drooling/barking/growling/bearing teeth or just getting too close to me, don’t say “Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you’ How do you know? Siegfried and Roy couldn’t keep their tiger from ripping a face off, and they’re professionals. Why should I trust you complete stranger?
-I’m going to start putting razor blades on the bottom of my walking shoes so I can slice the garden hoses of inconsiderate people who let their sprinkler just completely drench the sidewalk.
-Fat guys love to do their lawn work without a shirt on. The rest of the world does not like this.
-I’m pretty sure 84% of Ice Cream Truck Drivers have a felony arrest record.
-When I see two neighbors who have signs for competing political candidates, I always like to imagine them arguing to the point of the cops being called.
-You can always tell which houses are selling drugs….always.
-If it’s getting towards dark and you have to go through the park, put on your ‘Maybe that’s a cell phone in my pocket…maybe it’s a gun’ face.
-The kid to parent ratio that I see while walking?? 30 Billion to Zero.
-UPS Drivers always wave to me. FedEx driver’s do not. Therefore, FedEx driver’s must be total assholes.
-It makes my stomach hurt when I walk past each house and can point out every item that was purchased at an Aco Hardware.
-Even after all the garbage cans have been collected on garbage day, the neighborhood still smells like blood and fish carcasses. Disgusting.
-If you honk your horn at me, odds are I will flip you off.
-There are a lot of people out there who have that ‘If given the chance would properly murder another human’ look to them.
-Middle aged women in South Warren love Looney Tunes shirts/leather jackets
-Everyone has that compulsion to run over and just kick a For Sale sign.
-There is nothing more sinister than a coin operated car wash.
-When I see kids get off the school bus, and then into their parents car, which takes them to the house, I just know they’re gonna end up fat.
-You just don’t see roller skates anymore
-When I see a basketball game in the street, there’s always one person texting. Put the phone down, be a part of the team buddy. I mean, they’re just asking for the ball to smack them right in the face.
-I see Swanson’s trucks almost daily. I don’t know a single person who get’s Swanson’s delivered though.
-You’d be surprised how many people look up at the sky when they hear airplanes. It just never gets old I guess.
-When I pass someone and say hello and they don’t say hello back, I want to punch them hard in their lower back as they walk away.
-Most of the handwriting I see in sidewalk chalk seems suspiciously too good to be a child’s.
-Why do pairs of flip flops keep ending up on the side of the road? Seriously, I see this all the time. How can you leave the house with shoes on, come back bare foot and not notice?
-My biggest mailbox fear? That if I open it, lots of wasps will come flying out.
-I saw a ‘hefty’ couple walking recently. I smiled and remarked to myself that it was nice that they were being active together. As I passed them, I saw they were carrying a pizza.
-I once saw a woman rush out of a house to her car in her underwear to grab a duffel bag. Completely redefined ‘Walk Of Shame’ for me.
-Please don’t stand on the front porch and yell at your ex-husband on the phone.
I could go on and on, but I think I’ll stop right here. I’ll have to do a part two about walking real soon.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I Pick A Fight With A Stranger In The Library
I enjoy libraries. They are the final public haven for reading. A library is a place where you are ensured to have a place other than your house where you can have complete quiet. Or so that was the theory. I finished my Business Law exam about an hour and a half earlier than expected, so I had some time to burn. I shimmied over to the library, and sat back and tried to read a book. And then there was a guy. Of course he had to sit right next to me. Obnoxious, 40, bald, heavy breather. No book, seemingly no business being in a library, talking on a cell phone.
I’m not sure what this guy does for a living, but I’m going to guess he’s in advertising because he said the word advertising almost four hundred times in one phone call. Again we are in a library. He’s talking on his phone real loud, barking out all kinds of disgusting corporate speak that I loathe. Words like ‘Book that under Jeffrey’s accounts’ or ‘Netting 6 cents a toss on these’. And he is speaking so vocally, that you know that he is not so much speaking to the person on the other end of the phone, but to all of us in library, as if to say “Hey, look how cool I am! I’m in advertising” Did I mention he kept repeating the word advertising?
Also, he used the word Michigan a lot, in a very similar way. He was listing off different “clients” he had and where they were located. Of course they were all located in Michigan, but he still had to say the word Michigan. Example “Yeah, I know a guy in pizzas in Highland Park, Michigan. Did you talk to Tracy? The one with the printing shop in Farmington Hills, Michigan?” And I’m sitting next to him trying to read.
Then he hangs up the phone, and I think to myself that it’s finally over. Nope. Then he starts doing cold calls trying to sell advertising space on pizza boxes. If you could just hear the tone of his voice, this guy was a real dick. No hi, hello, nothing warm or human like. Here’s his sales pitch almost verbatim “Whose in charge of advertising? I got space on pizza boxes that you could really use to get your message out. Interested?” They of course say no, and hangs up. This is driving me insane. I normally don’t start arguments or fights with people, but this tool was begging for it. I simply dog earred the book, set it down and turned to the man, 40, bald, obnoxious, breathing heavily.
“Try being a little more sincere.” I said to him. He wrinkles his brow.
“Excuse me?” He’s offended.
“You need to be more sincere on the phone if you’re going to land sales.” I tell him.
“Really?” He asks in a very condescending tone.
"Maybe people would like to hear a hi or hello every once in awhile. You know, treat them like human beings."
"I cut to the chase." He informs me.
“People don't like people who 'cut to the chase'" I replied.
“Well, I’ve always been number one.” He said. Number one? Really? Then I get up to leave, and I turn around and give my parting statement.
“Well, you’re sitting in a community college library. Something brought you here.” And his face froze. And then I left, hoping I just ruined at least part of his day. Being a business major, I have to deal with people like this on a daily basis. They love black pinstriped suits with blue ties, they love FOX Business, and they absolutely love flaunting what a “businessman” they are. They look like idiots.
I’m not sure what this guy does for a living, but I’m going to guess he’s in advertising because he said the word advertising almost four hundred times in one phone call. Again we are in a library. He’s talking on his phone real loud, barking out all kinds of disgusting corporate speak that I loathe. Words like ‘Book that under Jeffrey’s accounts’ or ‘Netting 6 cents a toss on these’. And he is speaking so vocally, that you know that he is not so much speaking to the person on the other end of the phone, but to all of us in library, as if to say “Hey, look how cool I am! I’m in advertising” Did I mention he kept repeating the word advertising?
Also, he used the word Michigan a lot, in a very similar way. He was listing off different “clients” he had and where they were located. Of course they were all located in Michigan, but he still had to say the word Michigan. Example “Yeah, I know a guy in pizzas in Highland Park, Michigan. Did you talk to Tracy? The one with the printing shop in Farmington Hills, Michigan?” And I’m sitting next to him trying to read.
Then he hangs up the phone, and I think to myself that it’s finally over. Nope. Then he starts doing cold calls trying to sell advertising space on pizza boxes. If you could just hear the tone of his voice, this guy was a real dick. No hi, hello, nothing warm or human like. Here’s his sales pitch almost verbatim “Whose in charge of advertising? I got space on pizza boxes that you could really use to get your message out. Interested?” They of course say no, and hangs up. This is driving me insane. I normally don’t start arguments or fights with people, but this tool was begging for it. I simply dog earred the book, set it down and turned to the man, 40, bald, obnoxious, breathing heavily.
“Try being a little more sincere.” I said to him. He wrinkles his brow.
“Excuse me?” He’s offended.
“You need to be more sincere on the phone if you’re going to land sales.” I tell him.
“Really?” He asks in a very condescending tone.
"Maybe people would like to hear a hi or hello every once in awhile. You know, treat them like human beings."
"I cut to the chase." He informs me.
“People don't like people who 'cut to the chase'" I replied.
“Well, I’ve always been number one.” He said. Number one? Really? Then I get up to leave, and I turn around and give my parting statement.
“Well, you’re sitting in a community college library. Something brought you here.” And his face froze. And then I left, hoping I just ruined at least part of his day. Being a business major, I have to deal with people like this on a daily basis. They love black pinstriped suits with blue ties, they love FOX Business, and they absolutely love flaunting what a “businessman” they are. They look like idiots.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Untitled Blog Post 1
When it comes to shoveling snow, I’m a minimalist. I don’t care to clear every last concrete surface and crevice. My only goal is to make a narrow walkway for the mailman, a walkway that would be on the same level as a hoarder who makes a pathway to the bathroom through stacks of boxes and junk. Lately though we’ve had a pretty good mailman, he comes early, and he does not leave notices in my mailbox saying ‘shovel your damn sidewalk’ (I’m paraphrasing).
I had a mailman once who absolutely refused to deliver our mail unless every part of my driveway, porch, and sidewalk was clear of snow, even the parts he wasn’t walking on. He shuffled his feet when he walked, and we got a notice in our mailbox at least once every three days saying we couldn’t get our mail because of the condition of our walk. Of course though, the conditions of my sidewalk did not seem to be impeding the delivery of a notice regarding the condition of my sidewalk impeding the delivery of my mail. Dizzy? So am I.
I recently received a phone call from the library informing me that I had late fees amounting to about $5. As far as library fees go, that is an awful lot. In fact, it’s so much that I take it more as a lifetime ban from the library than a fine. The library is useless anyways. Every library I’ve been in lately has bookshelves just collecting dust and the world’s longest waitlist for teenagers and creepy old guys to use the internet. They really should just get rid of the books and bring more computers in and call it a ‘Community Computer Center’.
The bathroom at work continues to get creepier every single day. One of the fluorescent light bulbs is flickering now, and every time I need to relieve myself, I feel like I’m in a prison movie or some twisted psychological thriller. I think the next step in terms of creepiness would be to walk in and see written in lip stick on the mirror ‘Hi, Jake. Can you see me?’ I refrain from using public restrooms as often as I can. On the subject of work, a customer finally caught me dancing in an aisle. I was dancing to The Fifth Dimension’s ‘Up, Up, and Away’ which plays at least once a day. What was so great about it was it didn’t even deter the man. He simply looked at me. “Where are your push brooms at?”
I had a mailman once who absolutely refused to deliver our mail unless every part of my driveway, porch, and sidewalk was clear of snow, even the parts he wasn’t walking on. He shuffled his feet when he walked, and we got a notice in our mailbox at least once every three days saying we couldn’t get our mail because of the condition of our walk. Of course though, the conditions of my sidewalk did not seem to be impeding the delivery of a notice regarding the condition of my sidewalk impeding the delivery of my mail. Dizzy? So am I.
I recently received a phone call from the library informing me that I had late fees amounting to about $5. As far as library fees go, that is an awful lot. In fact, it’s so much that I take it more as a lifetime ban from the library than a fine. The library is useless anyways. Every library I’ve been in lately has bookshelves just collecting dust and the world’s longest waitlist for teenagers and creepy old guys to use the internet. They really should just get rid of the books and bring more computers in and call it a ‘Community Computer Center’.
The bathroom at work continues to get creepier every single day. One of the fluorescent light bulbs is flickering now, and every time I need to relieve myself, I feel like I’m in a prison movie or some twisted psychological thriller. I think the next step in terms of creepiness would be to walk in and see written in lip stick on the mirror ‘Hi, Jake. Can you see me?’ I refrain from using public restrooms as often as I can. On the subject of work, a customer finally caught me dancing in an aisle. I was dancing to The Fifth Dimension’s ‘Up, Up, and Away’ which plays at least once a day. What was so great about it was it didn’t even deter the man. He simply looked at me. “Where are your push brooms at?”
Friday, December 17, 2010
Selected Thoughts: 2007-2009
I have gathered just a small sampling of the various one liners, absurd thoughts, and just random musings I have jotted down in my massive collection of notebooks, journals, legal pads, and various scraps of paper. The majority of these were written either in a booth at Red Apple, the Library at Macomb’s South Campus, or my back patio.
People who always have their sleeves rolled up should just buy a short sleeve shirt.
Fewer people would die skydiving if parachutes didn’t look so much like backpacks. If they didn’t, you wouldn’t accidentally jump with a backpack on.
I don’t like cage matches. I’d prefer a flaming circle. You can get out, but you have to have a really good reason to.
The fact that more people watch Wheel of Fortune then Jeopardy! Says a lot about our education system
Fat people are like skinny people if they ate a lot of food over a long period of time.
Bow ties are stupid. If they weren’t stupid, then everyone would wear them.
I want an alarm clock which has an air raid siren for it’s alarm…that’ll definitely get me up, or so used to it that I’ll be ill prepared when an air raid comes.
I got tired of cutting of the grass, so I replaced it with mini golf green. I watered it for a week, and I grew a small windmill.
I don’t anyone who likes licorice. Licorice is so nasty, they had to give it strawberry flavoring to make kids eat it. You know what else is like that? Medicine.
If Michael Myers killed people with a gun would he still be scary? I mean, he’d still be killing people.
I’m surpirsed they haven’t tried to sell us carbonated milk yet.
Why were attic doors fashioned to always seem like they’re going to hit your face?
I don’t take baths, because I feel dirty if I’m washing in the same water I farted in.
If a loveseat can fit three, then I call it a French loveseat
It shouldn’t be called deordarant. You ever put it ON an odor, you just smell like BO and Deordorant afterwords.
All the major news outlets should urge voters to write in Haywood Jablome for president. If it wins, some kid will have the happiest day of his life since his parents gave him such a horrible name.
Fact: Stripping down to your underwear makes you want to dance more than when you had your clothes on.
Mini golf likes to be called little golf.
Only Kill Bill Vol. 2 should be called Kill Bill, Vol.1 shouldn’t because she does not Kill Bill in it.
In darts, I only count it as a bulls eye if the board is flailing around erratically
Do piano players type fast?
Can you buy a translated dreydel?
How do you throw a garbage can away?
Instead of 911, why didn’t they just put an emergency button on phones?
If you paint a phone red, does it connect to the President?
Can a blind person tell the difference between movies and books on tape?
Does anyone dial the operator anymore?
Shouldn’t they call it anti-chap stick?
I can’t wait for 2020 so we can start labeling the decades again
Can anyone say they are a better person because of the internet?
Rollerblades can save on gas, but lose on dignity.
It seems the phrase “I don’t want to talk about it” is always followed with talking about it.
Life would be so much easier if wrinkled clothes were cool
How come This Old House never goes to castles?
Aviator’s are only cool in sunglass form.
Instead of voting, find someone whose voting for the other guy, and cancel each other out and stay home.
Sunday project: Record all your phone calls and transcribe them. Go over the transcripts and see if you can find Obstruction of Justice in them anywhere.
There is no such thing as pickles. Pickle is a verb
If stuffed animals could talk, what makes you think they’d be friendly?
It would appear as if George Orwell’s 1984 was wrong
Kids Book Title: Encyclopedia Brown and The Case Of The Dead Dog: A Future Rapist Mystery
I like putting the word search into search bars…just hoping one day it’ll actually make my computer crash
If you wear just headphones and tuck the wires into your pockets, people will think you’re listening to music and won’t talk to you
We really just let squirrels do whatever the hell they want to don’t we?
More jobs should have badges. Imagine being flashed a badge by a janitor.
Everyone should be allowed to fire a rocket launcher once.
Punch somebody and call out a random object you see. Tell them it’s a game.
People who always have their sleeves rolled up should just buy a short sleeve shirt.
Fewer people would die skydiving if parachutes didn’t look so much like backpacks. If they didn’t, you wouldn’t accidentally jump with a backpack on.
I don’t like cage matches. I’d prefer a flaming circle. You can get out, but you have to have a really good reason to.
The fact that more people watch Wheel of Fortune then Jeopardy! Says a lot about our education system
Fat people are like skinny people if they ate a lot of food over a long period of time.
Bow ties are stupid. If they weren’t stupid, then everyone would wear them.
I want an alarm clock which has an air raid siren for it’s alarm…that’ll definitely get me up, or so used to it that I’ll be ill prepared when an air raid comes.
I got tired of cutting of the grass, so I replaced it with mini golf green. I watered it for a week, and I grew a small windmill.
I don’t anyone who likes licorice. Licorice is so nasty, they had to give it strawberry flavoring to make kids eat it. You know what else is like that? Medicine.
If Michael Myers killed people with a gun would he still be scary? I mean, he’d still be killing people.
I’m surpirsed they haven’t tried to sell us carbonated milk yet.
Why were attic doors fashioned to always seem like they’re going to hit your face?
I don’t take baths, because I feel dirty if I’m washing in the same water I farted in.
If a loveseat can fit three, then I call it a French loveseat
It shouldn’t be called deordarant. You ever put it ON an odor, you just smell like BO and Deordorant afterwords.
All the major news outlets should urge voters to write in Haywood Jablome for president. If it wins, some kid will have the happiest day of his life since his parents gave him such a horrible name.
Fact: Stripping down to your underwear makes you want to dance more than when you had your clothes on.
Mini golf likes to be called little golf.
Only Kill Bill Vol. 2 should be called Kill Bill, Vol.1 shouldn’t because she does not Kill Bill in it.
In darts, I only count it as a bulls eye if the board is flailing around erratically
Do piano players type fast?
Can you buy a translated dreydel?
How do you throw a garbage can away?
Instead of 911, why didn’t they just put an emergency button on phones?
If you paint a phone red, does it connect to the President?
Can a blind person tell the difference between movies and books on tape?
Does anyone dial the operator anymore?
Shouldn’t they call it anti-chap stick?
I can’t wait for 2020 so we can start labeling the decades again
Can anyone say they are a better person because of the internet?
Rollerblades can save on gas, but lose on dignity.
It seems the phrase “I don’t want to talk about it” is always followed with talking about it.
Life would be so much easier if wrinkled clothes were cool
How come This Old House never goes to castles?
Aviator’s are only cool in sunglass form.
Instead of voting, find someone whose voting for the other guy, and cancel each other out and stay home.
Sunday project: Record all your phone calls and transcribe them. Go over the transcripts and see if you can find Obstruction of Justice in them anywhere.
There is no such thing as pickles. Pickle is a verb
If stuffed animals could talk, what makes you think they’d be friendly?
It would appear as if George Orwell’s 1984 was wrong
Kids Book Title: Encyclopedia Brown and The Case Of The Dead Dog: A Future Rapist Mystery
I like putting the word search into search bars…just hoping one day it’ll actually make my computer crash
If you wear just headphones and tuck the wires into your pockets, people will think you’re listening to music and won’t talk to you
We really just let squirrels do whatever the hell they want to don’t we?
More jobs should have badges. Imagine being flashed a badge by a janitor.
Everyone should be allowed to fire a rocket launcher once.
Punch somebody and call out a random object you see. Tell them it’s a game.
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