I have gathered just a small sampling of the various one liners, absurd thoughts, and just random musings I have jotted down in my massive collection of notebooks, journals, legal pads, and various scraps of paper. The majority of these were written either in a booth at Red Apple, the Library at Macomb’s South Campus, or my back patio.
People who always have their sleeves rolled up should just buy a short sleeve shirt.
Fewer people would die skydiving if parachutes didn’t look so much like backpacks. If they didn’t, you wouldn’t accidentally jump with a backpack on.
I don’t like cage matches. I’d prefer a flaming circle. You can get out, but you have to have a really good reason to.
The fact that more people watch Wheel of Fortune then Jeopardy! Says a lot about our education system
Fat people are like skinny people if they ate a lot of food over a long period of time.
Bow ties are stupid. If they weren’t stupid, then everyone would wear them.
I want an alarm clock which has an air raid siren for it’s alarm…that’ll definitely get me up, or so used to it that I’ll be ill prepared when an air raid comes.
I got tired of cutting of the grass, so I replaced it with mini golf green. I watered it for a week, and I grew a small windmill.
I don’t anyone who likes licorice. Licorice is so nasty, they had to give it strawberry flavoring to make kids eat it. You know what else is like that? Medicine.
If Michael Myers killed people with a gun would he still be scary? I mean, he’d still be killing people.
I’m surpirsed they haven’t tried to sell us carbonated milk yet.
Why were attic doors fashioned to always seem like they’re going to hit your face?
I don’t take baths, because I feel dirty if I’m washing in the same water I farted in.
If a loveseat can fit three, then I call it a French loveseat
It shouldn’t be called deordarant. You ever put it ON an odor, you just smell like BO and Deordorant afterwords.
All the major news outlets should urge voters to write in Haywood Jablome for president. If it wins, some kid will have the happiest day of his life since his parents gave him such a horrible name.
Fact: Stripping down to your underwear makes you want to dance more than when you had your clothes on.
Mini golf likes to be called little golf.
Only Kill Bill Vol. 2 should be called Kill Bill, Vol.1 shouldn’t because she does not Kill Bill in it.
In darts, I only count it as a bulls eye if the board is flailing around erratically
Do piano players type fast?
Can you buy a translated dreydel?
How do you throw a garbage can away?
Instead of 911, why didn’t they just put an emergency button on phones?
If you paint a phone red, does it connect to the President?
Can a blind person tell the difference between movies and books on tape?
Does anyone dial the operator anymore?
Shouldn’t they call it anti-chap stick?
I can’t wait for 2020 so we can start labeling the decades again
Can anyone say they are a better person because of the internet?
Rollerblades can save on gas, but lose on dignity.
It seems the phrase “I don’t want to talk about it” is always followed with talking about it.
Life would be so much easier if wrinkled clothes were cool
How come This Old House never goes to castles?
Aviator’s are only cool in sunglass form.
Instead of voting, find someone whose voting for the other guy, and cancel each other out and stay home.
Sunday project: Record all your phone calls and transcribe them. Go over the transcripts and see if you can find Obstruction of Justice in them anywhere.
There is no such thing as pickles. Pickle is a verb
If stuffed animals could talk, what makes you think they’d be friendly?
It would appear as if George Orwell’s 1984 was wrong
Kids Book Title: Encyclopedia Brown and The Case Of The Dead Dog: A Future Rapist Mystery
I like putting the word search into search bars…just hoping one day it’ll actually make my computer crash
If you wear just headphones and tuck the wires into your pockets, people will think you’re listening to music and won’t talk to you
We really just let squirrels do whatever the hell they want to don’t we?
More jobs should have badges. Imagine being flashed a badge by a janitor.
Everyone should be allowed to fire a rocket launcher once.
Punch somebody and call out a random object you see. Tell them it’s a game.
